Discontented Curiosity

Recovering the Why?

Part of you wants to get better

but that's the problem

it is just a part of you

somedays it is a small part of you

while the other side of your heart is pounding

for destruction

so used

to the comfortable pain

you run this rut

all over the world

a four blocks walk to the dealer in Winnipeg

trudging the snow, fingering your pocket

all the way to the exotic alleyways of Taiwan

waiting for the dealer to check the cameras

and let you in

got so used to the pain

you forbade yourself from asking why

and now

in this room

sitting in these chairs

other addicts doubled over in their pain

the question slowly dawns on you...

like an actor wearing a mask

faking an accent so long you forgot it was fake

pretending you have no choice

so you never ask why

until today

you get curious

maybe I can get better

this guy sitting here says

he was sitting right where I am

years ago

and he got better

then you get a taste

of healing

the curiosity really gets going

today I wasn't angry

today I wasn't as scared

how far does this go?

can I feel like this more?

how many days in a row?

where

you used to not care

how far the bottom was

now

you start to wonder

how high you can climb